Arrested Development: A sitcom that can be funny, but isn't consistently funny enough or innovative enough to deserve the unabashed praise of white nerds who complain that the reason this show failed was because a.) the network kept moving it around in the schedule (which is probably a half-truth) and b.) because only cultural elitists who live in New York or LA can "get it." I'd bet dollars to donuts that the rest of the country doesn't "get it" because it isn't that funny, and they were over it when it was originally called Soap and aired in the 70s. I'm inclined to say that this show only seems like comic brilliance because everything else on TV sucks so much, and that's sort of true, except everyone seems to forget that Malcolm in the Middle and The Bernie Mac Show are funny.
King Kong: I'm sure that film geeks in 1933 were all "that monkey looked fake," but there's something about Willis O'Brien's stop-motion animation in the original King Kong that doesn't bug the shit out of me. Maybe it's because there's less than 90 minutes of it, and not over three hours of bloated, clumsy action sequences and bad acting. Maybe also not a lot of people had actually seen a real-life gorilla in 1933 and maybe they thought gorillas actually moved around like epileptic krump dancers. Regardless, Peter Jackson's flick looks fake. It sort of seems like Song of the South or Roger Rabbit where real-life actors exist in cartoon worlds, only the actors seem like cartoons, too. Also, anyone who bags on the 1976 remake hasn't seen it lately. It's definitely better thajn this monkey turd.
The Gulf Coast: I'm not trying to be glib about this, but The Gulf Coast region does not need to be rebuilt. That "part of the world", as our President likes to refer to it, is a sweltering shithole built on a swamp filled with alligators, poisonous snakes and voodoo zombies. Sure it might have some historical significance, but most of us would percieve a kind of divine justice in the United States' slave trade auction blocks being buried under the rubble of God's wrath. As far as industry goes, the only thing that really matters from this region is oil, and that comes from platforms built out-to-sea. In the aftermath of the destruction, the politicians immediately seized the photo-op to shake their fists at God and proclaim that The Gulf Coast will be rebuilt. These are the same politicians who made the same proclamation about Iraq after we fucked it up. And the same strange bedfellows who were given no-bid contracts to rebuild Iraq were given no-bid contracts to rebuild New Orleans, which doesn't need to be rebuilt. (Hint: I'm talking about Haliburton and its subsidiaries.)
My Morning Jacket: Not since Wilco has a crappy bar band recieved so much unwarranted attention from white nerds.
Kanye West: He's an okay rapper, and there's something endearing about his stuttering, nervous attack on President Bush for hating black people, but there's also something disturbing and exploitative about using human misery and a televised pledge drive to push your political agenda, which is ultimately wrongheaded. Bush doesn't hate black people, he hates poor people. (In the first couple months of his presidency, the Mississippi River flooded Iowa, displacing hundreds of poor white Iowans and killing a few of them. The "compassionate conservative" used the opportunity to try out some of his hilarious stand-up comedy about how poor people who live in floodplains should just move.")
Bird Flu: Unless you're an eight-year-old Indonesian boy who prepares the family duck for dinner, chances are, you're not gonna catch the bird flu. And, as far as diseases go, this is an easy one to nip in the bud: stop eating poultry, stop breeding exotic birds, and stop frenching pigeons... While we're on the subject, birds don't make great pets. They aren't loving, not even love birds. As the closet living relative to dinosaurs, birds have reptilian brains, not designed for complex emotions. The best you can hope for from a bird is simple addition and riding around on little bicicyles.
My Name Is Earl: Whereas Arrested Development is often funny, My Name Is Earl has innovated the comedy right the hell out of "situation comedy." In that respect, it's genius. In all other respects, it stars Jason Lee, not Jennifer Jason Leigh.
In-N-Out French Fries "Animal Style": Cheese, grilled onions, and thousand island dressing sucks on fries.
