Thursday, August 17, 2006

Fun

I knew someone whose father was famous for contracting HIV from a blood transfusion and ultimately dying of AIDS. This was back in the day when AIDS still killed people, and fairly quickly, and his fame was posthumous, being already dead by the time the case went before the Supreme Court and blood banks had to start asking if you've ever paid for sex or been to Haiti.

It always struck me as the least fun way to get AIDS, second only to being born with AIDS, or being gangraped in prison by the Aryan Brotherhood.

Before you get all pissy, I do realize that having AIDS is no fun. However, getting AIDS can be. At least in the moment. Whether having unprotected gay sex in a bathroom stall hopped-up on amyl nitrate poppers while house music thumps from the adjacent dance floor, or sharing dirty needles with junkie prostitutes in a squat in London, or making love with Eazy-E, or going to Africa on safari and eating exotic bushmeat prepared by an infected Masai chef, or being a vampire, or drinking a cup of AIDS on a dare for a million bucks, or fucking a monkey, you are having more fun than getting a blood transfusion, which is uncomfortable at best, usually painful and the result of something else horribly wrong with you.

Friday, August 04, 2006

More Rhymes

This geniusness was on a Starbucks napkin in my jacket pocket:

You want me to bring it?
Consider it brung.
These hits that I'm singing
Came straight outta my bung
This shit that I'm flinging
Is lyrical dung

Then a note about the beans being mung.

Rhymes Written On A Barf Bag

I found an air sickness sack in my backpack with this bit of brilliance scrawled on it:

I'm like Mickey Rourke
Make you wear a mask when we pork
Nine months later a gift from the stork
I hope our kid doesn't turn out to be a dork
Wearing rainbow suspenders like he's from the Planet Ork
Mork calling Orson, come in Orson
Movin on to the X-rated portion

And then a note about confirming Bork and eating with a spork

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Overrated 2005

Arrested Development: A sitcom that can be funny, but isn't consistently funny enough or innovative enough to deserve the unabashed praise of white nerds who complain that the reason this show failed was because a.) the network kept moving it around in the schedule (which is probably a half-truth) and b.) because only cultural elitists who live in New York or LA can "get it." I'd bet dollars to donuts that the rest of the country doesn't "get it" because it isn't that funny, and they were over it when it was originally called Soap and aired in the 70s. I'm inclined to say that this show only seems like comic brilliance because everything else on TV sucks so much, and that's sort of true, except everyone seems to forget that Malcolm in the Middle and The Bernie Mac Show are funny.

King Kong: I'm sure that film geeks in 1933 were all "that monkey looked fake," but there's something about Willis O'Brien's stop-motion animation in the original King Kong that doesn't bug the shit out of me. Maybe it's because there's less than 90 minutes of it, and not over three hours of bloated, clumsy action sequences and bad acting. Maybe also not a lot of people had actually seen a real-life gorilla in 1933 and maybe they thought gorillas actually moved around like epileptic krump dancers. Regardless, Peter Jackson's flick looks fake. It sort of seems like Song of the South or Roger Rabbit where real-life actors exist in cartoon worlds, only the actors seem like cartoons, too. Also, anyone who bags on the 1976 remake hasn't seen it lately. It's definitely better thajn this monkey turd.

The Gulf Coast: I'm not trying to be glib about this, but The Gulf Coast region does not need to be rebuilt. That "part of the world", as our President likes to refer to it, is a sweltering shithole built on a swamp filled with alligators, poisonous snakes and voodoo zombies. Sure it might have some historical significance, but most of us would percieve a kind of divine justice in the United States' slave trade auction blocks being buried under the rubble of God's wrath. As far as industry goes, the only thing that really matters from this region is oil, and that comes from platforms built out-to-sea. In the aftermath of the destruction, the politicians immediately seized the photo-op to shake their fists at God and proclaim that The Gulf Coast will be rebuilt. These are the same politicians who made the same proclamation about Iraq after we fucked it up. And the same strange bedfellows who were given no-bid contracts to rebuild Iraq were given no-bid contracts to rebuild New Orleans, which doesn't need to be rebuilt. (Hint: I'm talking about Haliburton and its subsidiaries.)

My Morning Jacket: Not since Wilco has a crappy bar band recieved so much unwarranted attention from white nerds.

Kanye West: He's an okay rapper, and there's something endearing about his stuttering, nervous attack on President Bush for hating black people, but there's also something disturbing and exploitative about using human misery and a televised pledge drive to push your political agenda, which is ultimately wrongheaded. Bush doesn't hate black people, he hates poor people. (In the first couple months of his presidency, the Mississippi River flooded Iowa, displacing hundreds of poor white Iowans and killing a few of them. The "compassionate conservative" used the opportunity to try out some of his hilarious stand-up comedy about how poor people who live in floodplains should just move.")

Bird Flu: Unless you're an eight-year-old Indonesian boy who prepares the family duck for dinner, chances are, you're not gonna catch the bird flu. And, as far as diseases go, this is an easy one to nip in the bud: stop eating poultry, stop breeding exotic birds, and stop frenching pigeons... While we're on the subject, birds don't make great pets. They aren't loving, not even love birds. As the closet living relative to dinosaurs, birds have reptilian brains, not designed for complex emotions. The best you can hope for from a bird is simple addition and riding around on little bicicyles.

My Name Is Earl: Whereas Arrested Development is often funny, My Name Is Earl has innovated the comedy right the hell out of "situation comedy." In that respect, it's genius. In all other respects, it stars Jason Lee, not Jennifer Jason Leigh.

In-N-Out French Fries "Animal Style": Cheese, grilled onions, and thousand island dressing sucks on fries.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Lyric I Found In My Pocket

I’m loco.
I’m the only bro I know
who owns 12 Inches of Snow, yo.
I gotta blow up soon or I’m gonna blow,
quit Showbiz for good and go work at the Togo's.
You want mayo on that hero?
For forty more, you can get the combo.

I have no idea where or when I scribbled it on a bev nap, but it's always fun to find stupid crap in your jacket.

Oh, also please Arianna Huffington, please... stop saying "Blogosphere."

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Rejected Names for My Blog

Blog Day Afternoon, Bloggerheads, 20000 Blogs Under the Sea, Hair of the Blog That Bit You, All Blogs Go to Heaven, Blogasaurus Rex, Beware the Blog, Blogger Please!, Building A Blog Cabin, The Vagina Monoblogs, And Now, New Blog for Girls!...


Bonnets are back in vogue with the in-crowd.